Introduction
Have you ever found yourself clinging too tightly to someone you love — calling them again and again, just to feel close?
Or maybe the opposite — you feel suffocated when someone gets too close, and you suddenly pull away?
These are not just personality quirks. In psychiatry, we often call them the “twin fears” — the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment.
They sound opposite, but they often coexist. Imagine constantly balancing between “Don’t leave me” and “Don’t come too close.”
It’s exhausting — and yet, incredibly common in people struggling with attachment wounds.
The Psychology Behind It
From a psychological perspective, these fears develop early — during childhood bonding experiences.
Our attachment to caregivers forms the emotional blueprint for future relationships.
If as a child you were:
- Ignored, left alone, or felt unloved → you develop fear of abandonment.
- Controlled, smothered, or invalidated → you develop fear of engulfment.
In adulthood, these early patterns repeat — we unconsciously seek love but fear the pain that might come with it.
So we oscillate between needing closeness and protecting ourselves from it.
Fear of Abandonment — What It Looks Like
This fear stems from the deep-rooted belief:
“People I love will eventually leave me.”
Symptoms
- Constant need for reassurance
- Anxiety when your partner is busy or distant
- Overanalyzing messages or tone
- Difficulty trusting
- Emotional breakdowns during conflict
- Clinging or people-pleasing behavior
- Feeling worthless when alone
In Relationships
Someone with abandonment fear might check their partner’s phone, overthink minor delays, or apologize too much — just to “keep peace.”
Ironically, this fear can push partners away, reinforcing the same belief — “See? Everyone leaves me.”
Fear of Engulfment — The Hidden Counterpart
Now flip the script.
The fear of engulfment says:
“If someone gets too close, I’ll lose myself.”
Symptoms
- Feeling trapped in closeness
- Emotional withdrawal after intimacy
- Avoiding commitment or deep conversations
- Needing space frequently
- Feeling irritated by dependency
These individuals often crave connection but panic when they get it. They may start a relationship with intensity and then suddenly withdraw — leading partners to feel confused and rejected.
The Paradox: How These Two Fears Coexist
In therapy, I often meet people who have both fears at the same time.
Like Sneha, a 29-year-old teacher from Nagpur.
She told me:
“Doctor, when he doesn’t call, I panic. But when he wants to spend every weekend together, I feel suffocated.”
This is the classic push-pull pattern — a dance between longing and escape.
The person constantly fears being too alone or too close.
Etiology (Causes)
These fears are rooted in attachment trauma — early life experiences that shaped one’s emotional blueprint.
1. Parental Neglect or Inconsistency
If love and attention were unpredictable, the child grows up anxious, fearing emotional loss.
→ Leads to fear of abandonment.
2. Overcontrolling or Critical Parenting
If the caregiver was intrusive or dismissive of autonomy, the child associates closeness with suffocation.
→ Leads to fear of engulfment.
3. Early Romantic Betrayals or Abuse
Painful relationships can re-trigger old wounds — worsening both fears.
4. Genetic & Temperamental Factors
Sensitive temperament and high neuroticism increase vulnerability.
Epidemiology
These patterns are extremely common — especially among individuals with Borderline Personality traits, Dependent Personality, or Avoidant Attachment Styles.
Studies suggest up to 35–45% of adults experience some degree of abandonment-related anxiety in intimate relationships.
It’s not always pathological — but it can cause emotional exhaustion, relationship instability, and even depression.
History and Pathogenesis
From a developmental lens — the child’s mind learns emotional regulation by co-regulating with caregivers.
When that regulation fails (either through neglect or overcontrol), the child’s amygdala (fear center) becomes hypersensitive to rejection or closeness.
As the brain matures, these patterns manifest as attachment anxiety or avoidance behaviors.
In adulthood, they affect limbic and prefrontal connectivity — meaning, logic can’t override emotional panic during intimacy conflicts.
How It Affects Daily Life
- Constant emotional rollercoaster in relationships
- Difficulty setting or respecting boundaries
- Self-sabotage — breaking up before getting hurt
- Codependency or avoidance cycles
- Exhaustion, low self-worth, anxiety, and depression
These fears don’t just affect love life — they spill into friendships, workplace bonds, and even parenting.
Therapeutic Perspective
At Mind & Mood Clinic, I often help patients rebuild their emotional boundaries and attachment security.
Treatment Approach:
- Psychotherapy (CBT & Schema Therapy):
Helps identify and reframe distorted beliefs about closeness and rejection. - Inner Child Work:
Reconnecting with the emotional self that still fears loss or control. - Mindfulness-Based Regulation:
Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions without reacting impulsively. - Relationship Coaching:
Setting healthy boundaries and communication skills.
With consistency, patients learn that love doesn’t have to mean losing oneself — and distance doesn’t have to mean abandonment.
Anecdote from Practice
Once, a young couple came to me, both accusing the other of being “too much” or “too distant.”
After therapy, they realized they were both acting out childhood fears — one afraid to be left, the other afraid to be consumed.
Healing didn’t happen overnight, but with compassion and structured therapy, they found balance — closeness without fear.
Path to Healing
- Identify your pattern: Are you the pursuer or the distancer?
- Learn emotional regulation before confrontation.
- Practice assertive communication, not control.
- Build self-worth independent of relationship validation.
- Seek therapy early — don’t normalize chaos.
Call to Reach Out
📞 Dr. Rameez Shaikh, MD (Psychiatrist & Counsellor)
Mind & Mood Clinic, Nagpur (India)
For appointments or queries: +91-8208823738
Rediscover secure love — without fear or control.
Disclaimer
This blog is for educational and awareness purposes only.
It should not replace medical or psychological consultation.
If you’re experiencing relationship anxiety, mood swings, or emotional distress, please consult a licensed psychiatrist or therapist.
Dr. Rameez Shaikh (MBBS, MD, MIPS) is a consultant Psychiatrist, Sexologist & Psychotherapist in Nagpur and works at Mind & Mood Clinic. He believes that science-based treatment, encompassing spiritual, physical, and mental health, will provide you with the long-lasting knowledge and tool to find happiness and wholeness again.
Dr. Rameez Shaikh, a dedicated psychiatrist , is a beacon of compassion and understanding in the realm of mental health. With a genuine passion for helping others, he combines his extensive knowledge and empathetic approach to create a supportive space for his patients.
