Most people don’t struggle to find a match.
They struggle to judge compatibility.
In clinic I often meet couples after marriage saying:
“We never discussed this before marriage.”
“I thought he/she would change.”
“Our families assumed things.”
Marriage problems rarely start after marriage.
They usually start before marriage — but unnoticed.
This blog explains:
- What actually predicts a stable marriage
- What to observe in bride/groom
- Real-life examples
- How a psychiatrist can help
- A one-page premarital checklist
- Exact sentences you can use to ask sensitive questions
What Research Consistently Shows
Across countries and cultures, long-term marital satisfaction is most strongly linked to:
- Emotional stability (low reactivity)
- Communication style
- Similar life values
- Responsibility & reliability
- Mental health stability
- Ability to repair conflicts
Not looks.
Not income alone.
Not romance intensity.
What To Observe in a Bride/Groom
1. Emotional Stability (The Most Important Trait)
Observe reactions during stress — not during good times.
Example:
Two prospective partners miss a train.
Person A:
Gets angry, blames others, silent treatment for hours.
Person B:
Feels upset but starts solving problem — books cab or alternative train.
Marriage mostly consists of small stressors.
Emotional stability predicts safety.
2. Communication Style (Predicts 80% of marital conflict outcomes)
Watch how disagreements are handled.
Healthy pattern:
- Listens fully
- Doesn’t interrupt
- Can say “I may be wrong”
Risk pattern:
- Defensiveness
- Sarcasm
- Bringing past issues
- Silent punishment
Example:
You disagree about restaurant choice.
Healthy partner: negotiates
Risk partner: withdraws emotionally or attacks
Small conversations predict big ones.
3. Responsibility & Reliability
Don’t ask: “Are they responsible?”
Observe: Do they do what they say?
Examples:
- Comes late repeatedly but apologizes sweetly
- Frequently forgets commitments
- Avoids practical planning
Charm does not equal stability.
Marriage requires reliability more than romance.
4. Values & Life Goals Compatibility
The biggest post-marriage fights in India are about:
- Living with parents vs nuclear
- Career priority
- Children timing
- Money handling
- Religious practices
Example:
One wants to settle abroad.
Other assumes living near parents.
Both are right — but incompatible.
Compatibility is not agreement.
It is clarity.
5. Mental Health & Coping Style
Everyone has stress.
But how someone handles it matters.
Observe:
- Does stress lead to anger?
- Withdrawal?
- Substance use?
- Panic?
Example:
During exam/work stress:
One person talks openly
Other becomes irritable and shuts down for weeks
This will repeat after marriage.
6. Family Interaction Pattern
In India, you don’t marry only a person — you marry a system.
Observe:
- How they speak to parents
- Boundaries with family
- Decision independence
Example:
Partner agrees with you privately but changes decision after family discussion
This predicts long-term friction.
How a Psychiatrist Can Help Before Marriage
Many people think psychiatric consultation means “problem”.
Actually it means clarity.
A psychiatrist helps by:
- Screening for depression, anxiety, personality patterns
- Explaining stress coping styles
- Identifying risk behaviours (anger, impulsivity, addiction)
- Premarital counselling
- Setting realistic expectations
- Preventing future marital conflict
Often one session prevents years of misunderstanding.
One-Page Premarital Checklist (Printable)
Personal
☐ Sleep schedule similar
☐ Anger control acceptable
☐ Can apologize
☐ Emotionally expressive enough
Life Goals
☐ Children — yes/no/timing
☐ Career priority
☐ City to live in
☐ Abroad plans
Family
☐ Living with parents or separate
☐ Financial support to parents
☐ Festival expectations
☐ Boundaries with relatives
Finances
☐ Spending habits
☐ Savings habits
☐ Loans/debt
☐ Joint vs separate accounts
Daily Life
☐ Household roles
☐ Food habits
☐ Social life expectations
☐ Travel expectations
Mental Health
☐ Past treatment discussed
☐ Stress coping style understood
☐ Sleep pattern
☐ Substance use discussed
If 6+ major unknowns exist → pause decision.
How To Ask Sensitive Questions (Without Offending)
Most people don’t ask — not because they don’t care — but because they don’t know how.
Below are culturally respectful scripts.
Asking About Mental Health
Instead of:
❌ “Do you have any mental illness?”
Say:
✔ “Everyone has stressful phases. When you go through a difficult time, how do you usually cope?”
Follow-up:
✔ “Have you ever taken counselling or medication? I ask because I believe openness helps both partners support each other.”
Asking About Finances
Instead of:
❌ “How much salary do you earn and save?”
Say:
✔ “I feel financial transparency helps avoid misunderstandings later. How do you usually manage savings and expenses?”
Follow-up:
✔ “Do you prefer joint planning or independent handling?”
Asking About Family Expectations
Instead of:
❌ “Will your parents interfere?”
Say:
✔ “Family is important in our culture. After marriage how do you imagine decision-making — mostly us, mostly family, or shared?”
Asking About Anger
Instead of:
❌ “Do you get angry a lot?”
Say:
✔ “When you are very upset with someone close, what do you usually do first — talk, withdraw, or need time?”
Asking About Past Relationships
Instead of:
❌ “Have you had relationships?”
Say:
✔ “I believe past experiences shape expectations. Is there anything from your past that you feel is important for me to understand so we can start openly?”
When to Pause Marriage Decision
Consider slowing down if:
- Repeated uncontrolled anger
- Substance dependence
- Secretive behaviour
- Extreme jealousy
- Refusal to discuss important topics
- Completely different life goals
- Major untreated psychiatric illness
Marriage does not fix psychological patterns.
It magnifies them.
Final Thought
Compatibility is not about liking the same movies.
It is about:
- Handling stress together
- Respecting individuality
- Repairing conflicts
- Sharing values
Love helps a marriage start.
Understanding helps it last.
Marriage is not choosing the perfect person.
It is choosing a person whose imperfections you can live with — and who can live with yours.
Dr. Rameez Shaikh (MBBS, MD, MIPS) is a consultant Psychiatrist, Sexologist & Psychotherapist in Nagpur and works at Mind & Mood Clinic. He believes that science-based treatment, encompassing spiritual, physical, and mental health, will provide you with the long-lasting knowledge and tool to find happiness and wholeness again.
Dr. Rameez Shaikh, a dedicated psychiatrist , is a beacon of compassion and understanding in the realm of mental health. With a genuine passion for helping others, he combines his extensive knowledge and empathetic approach to create a supportive space for his patients.
